My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth