[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
seems like a niche market
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you