[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
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The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct