This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise