the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
You Might Also Like
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?