God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Camping tip: No.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Sooo many times…..
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app