I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
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An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
this has done me in for some reason
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color