lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself