Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
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Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.