Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
doing some research
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.