Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Nose
Me as a therapist: omg same
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”