i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.