5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
You Might Also Like
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???