If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
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I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Based Erika
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician