Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]