I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
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In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Yup
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
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