[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more