the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
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I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
TODAY
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.