gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I saw nothing
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.