What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.