I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
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What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..