Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice