*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
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If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..