If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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found my next D&D character name
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave