Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
accurate
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
What kind of a cult is this?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease