[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You learn something every day
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Genius idea!!
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*