Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
True statement👍😏😁
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Salad is the decaf of food.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.