Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.