Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
You Might Also Like
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
What a year we’ve had this week.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
i will avenge u mr van gogh