me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
You Might Also Like
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.