Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
You Might Also Like
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
did it work
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.