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All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Oh no
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.