[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?