in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
This made me smile…
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape