Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
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*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly