Eat…
You Might Also Like
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.