When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
bout dat hot dog summer
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.