I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back