Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
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If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.