[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
You Might Also Like
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor鈥檚 ox*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I respect perfume commercials being like we can鈥檛 show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he鈥檇 still love me if I was a worm.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
mechanics be like
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I鈥檓 going to save so much money on college.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either