Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.