Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
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The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
accurate
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.