Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing