I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“We will wed,” I threatened
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.