I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
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Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.