Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
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“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.