WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The devil.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
WHO DID THIS?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.