[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.