I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I have questions??
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
this is so top tier i cant
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
everyone has that one prude friend
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??