Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.